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arried life is great, but I've been struggling with work lately. A combination of feeling ambivalent about what I've been doing and the unstructured environment of working for myself has led to a lot of disorganization, procrastination, and stress. I got a much-needed wake-up call from a client so I've been getting it together this week - it's amazing how productive I can be when I put my nose to the grindstone. I'm so much happier overall when I don't torture myself with work hanging over my head. I'm my own worst enemy sometimes.

M. said he thought part of it was that I'm always here in the house. I get into a rut sometimes where I seldom get out and interact with other human beings. M. prescribed a daily morning walk with Virgil down to the coffee hut in town - everyone around here knows it as the Butt Hut because it's constantly staffed by an ever-changing stream of young girls...with shapely derrieres I suppose. Virgil loves it because they fawn over him and give him cookies. I love it because it gets me out into the world first thing in the morning, which makes it easier to sit down and get right to work with a clear and energized mind when I come home. I see my neighbors picking up their papers, entire pelotons of cyclists (a very popular activity around here), and I forgot how much I enjoy the time of morning when everyone is bustling about - the day is just getting started and is full of potential.

It's been so cold here lately that it's hard to bundle up and go outside first thing. We live amongst the trees in the shady hills, and the temperature always drops when you head up our street. But after I get my coffee after descending into town, my frosty fingers being warmed by the hot cup at last, I turn home and the Eastern sun beams down fully upon me. It starts to melt my stiff muscles and soften my creaky joints. Help is around in so many ways, if only you seek it a little.

Posted by Satya at 10:31 AM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

ust popping in to share an inspirational mastery link. It's about pizza!

A Pizza Odyssey

Posted by Satya at 10:30 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

ately my life has been consumed by preparations for my next kung fu test, the first degree black belt (I currently hold a plain black belt, or level zero). I remember when I was testing the last time, and the people testing for their first degree had to do so much extra during the test that I was glad I wasn't one of them. Well, now I am.

Lately, after class, I've been starting the long drive home and just bursting into tears. This test for me brings up so many complicated emotions. My body feels rubbed raw, and its exhaustion means I'm too tired to contain things behind my usual wall of stoicism, so they come bubbling forth to the surface for expression and examination.

The first emotion is of longing, with which I have some intimacy. And all my longings are really longing for God, except this time it is the particular manifestation of God represented by what I am trying to become by passing this test. Did you get that?

The second emotion is fear that I won't pass muster, even though I know I will. It's bizarre, but it feels like giving birth to a raging lion. Not that I've given birth, but I've seen women starting the labor process wild with fear that they can't do it, even though they have no choice but to proceed forward.

What if I actually become my ideal of power? It's a very difficult position. Not even imagining my ideal, but being close enough to smell, touch, and taste becoming it. Will I die or implode? I think I know that I won't, but I've never done this before. All I know how to do is try. And sweat. And cry all the way home.

Posted by Satya at 9:39 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

ince my experience the other day in traffic, I've been of two minds about work. In one sense I feel the pressure of responsibility and of meeting the expectations and demands of my clients, which represent the expectations and demands of life. And on the other hand I can still remember the freedom of detachment from worldly cares and stress, and yearn to slip back into that state. But I don't know how to reconcile the two. What seems clear is that regardless of how I feel about them, deadlines must still be met. But I'd rather meet them in good cheer, knowing that they are part of my role in life, but not being overtaken by their emotional toll.

The other night I worked late and felt everything was off and that so much pressure was building, I didn't know how to handle it. I got in bed with my favorite book of late, Hazrat Inayat Khan's Mastery, and found this little gem:

Continue reading "Tools of the Trade" »

Posted by Satya at 2:20 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

y business had a good month in August, which led me to ponder the acquisition of a very nicely made Italian leather handbag. At what point, if at all, can a woman who realizes the transitory nature of existence blow a large chunk of money on a buttery-soft tote? I checked in with M. on this, who again referred to his donkey and the gourd story. The story is really not for polite company, but the point in this situation is again that detachment from whatever satisfaction the thing in question provides is key.

Before I could get too far along in the shopping process, though, M. and I started scouting out furniture for our new house and I realized I was in a whole new territory of spending. My decision-making approach is very Hagakure -- concern yourself greatly with the small stuff, but barely at all with the large. (One is also advised to make every decision within the space of seven breaths.) So I stopped worrying about my wardrobe and instead parted with a far larger chunk in exchange for a hefty dining room table that I instantly knew was the one I would be serving on and eating off for decades to come. There, that was easy.

Posted by Satya at 2:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

or the past couple weeks I've had the 'D' word hanging over my head, as in deadline. Several deadlines, in fact. Part of me thrives on this much work because I really like to hunker down and focus, and procrastination is completely out of the question. But it's very hard to keep a balance of activity and repose, as Murshid recommends. His own schedule was pretty amazing. He would rise early, and his whole day was a balance of meditation, intense work, and rest periods that he would usually spend playing with his children. It sounds great but in practice it takes a lot of concentration to be able to switch gears.

Mostly it's hard to truly relax when I'm all wound up from working. I take the dog out in the afternoons and the fresh air is like a revelation. Dreams at night have been anxiety-ridden - my anxiety dream standby is that I have to go back to finish high school or college, neither of which I finished in real life, and take the SAT, which I also skipped out on. My diet is a nightmare of caffeine, carbohydrates, and sugar, occasionally lubricated with alcohol. So obviously I have a lot yet to master in terms of balance, but still, the satisfaction of accomplishing so much gives a secretly sweet taste of success.

Posted by Satya at 9:36 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

y copy of Mastery arrived in the mail yesterday, and I'm looking forward to digging in. Also arriving in the mail yesterday was my first matching bra and panty set in I can't remember how long. The art of wearing matching bras and panties is indeed something I am trying to master, so I'm off to a good start. (Don't scoff, gentlemen - it's much more difficult than it seems.)

What I'm most in need of mastering, though, is my tendency to procrastinate. I'm normally pretty good at turning work around on time, but lately I've been putting it off and making myself miserable with the stress. I'm getting tense and worried over deadlines, yet I seem to not be able to resist finding out why Axl Rose was jailed in Stockholm. Okay, that story was kind of worth it, but still.

Sometimes I feel that whether or not I sit down to work is beyond my control. I can check in with myself and observe the level of readiness to get down to business, and I can feel it coming on when I'm about to be productive. Unfortunately until that feeling becomes strong enough to act, I don't know what to do but procrastinate in the meantime. I'd like to discover the ability to turn on the feeling of productivity at will, so that it doesn't feel like I'm disciplining a little kid when I need to start working, but that I'm ready to bring my full attention to a task willingly, as a mature adult. I'll let you know how it goes.

Posted by Satya at 11:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

astery is a theme that we'll be working with a lot in our class. Hazrat Inayat Khan (also known as Murshid) wrote a volume on the topic that's assigned reading over the summer, and though I've looked through it before, I'm looking forward to reading it in depth. I really really like the concept of mastery. I also love the feeling of being productive, which mastery and its associated tasks provides.

One of the biggest barriers to mastery for me has been my perfectionism. I often give up on something I've endeavored to master because I feel frustrated with my own inadequacy. For example, I've been trying to memorize a text for some time now and have started over about six or seven times in the course of one year. I keep losing the momentum and forgetting what I've done so far, and it's annoying and somewhat painful to keep coming up against my imperfection. It makes it hard to remember that the reason I want to master certain things is because I love them.

Continue reading "Midwestern Master" »

Posted by Satya at 11:11 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)