e have been on a bit of a roller coaster these past couple weeks. Nothing seems to be stable - there have been constant upheavals in family dynamics, health situations, and of course financially. Last Saturday at a checkup we learned Solomon might need surgery to have his eye removed, then Monday after a tense drive to a veterinary opthalmologist, we learned he can probably keep it (with more round-the-clock care on our parts, of course). I keep feeling like if we can just get back to normal we can make a plan to deal with our situation and move forward, but when that will happen is anyone's guess.

The tension has caused me to snap at M. more, which I hate and want to nip in the bud before it gets worse. I notice I get overwhelmed when I feel like I'm carrying too much of the burden - I'm our money manager, bureaucratic specialist, chef, and veterinary nurse most of the time, and it's a lot. But when I turn against M. it's only out of reactivity to some perceived disappointment that is not necessarily true. It comes from a disgusting looking-out-for-number-one mentality that is utterly ridiculous - of course he is working for us as a team and wants the same things I do, I just become blinded to his efforts from my own exhaustion and stress. So I thought about what Murshid says in the Gayan:

While everyone in the world asks
"Why?" of his neighbor,
the mystic asks this question of himself.

In this quote I see two things: one, our implicit unity of connection - blaming another is useless if we are part of the same fabric. And two, I am reminded that through my own experience of self - the person to whom I inquire "why?" - is a connection to the greater God, which is an experience in which all things are possible, and all answers are supplied. This is a real experience I have felt through meditation, and not a manufactured one.

And also after watching Obama's inauguration yesterday, I became inspired to act more in line with unity and less in line with individuality. So even though I have my own hairy personal situation to deal with, I looked into volunteering again.

Why not?