y conscientious self: Do not spare yourself in the work which you must accomplish." Or so states one of the Iron Rules of Hazrat Inayat Khan (there are also copper, silver, and gold). We went through the Iron Rules earlier this year in Suluk, and Pir Zia gave an inspirational talk on each one. I really like rules and laws, not necessarily to follow blindly, but to weigh and wonder and ponder over.
I especially like rules or even hadith that come from someone who had a spiritual or religious focus in mind, as opposed to laws that arise out of a democratic process. Because as any active voter in San Francisco can tell you, deciphering twenty-odd bizarre propositions each election can be a twisted take on the glue that holds our society together.
But spiritual law is another matter, because for good or for bad, the law-maker had their God ideal in mind, not necessarily their people ideal. So it stands to reason that the people, not being able to clearly see the same vision for the law as its creator, might have to take some things on faith and decide whether to follow the law blindly. (Incidentally, this is why I no longer eat the pig, though its delectable taste was a big fat factor in my decision.)
As for the Do Not Spare Yourself... rule, it isn't that I can't see any benefit and follow blindly, because there is obvious benefit. But Murshid's rules start out as one thing and then become deeper and deeper. And sometimes I feel like I can only get to the deep dark meaning through the action of applying it, as much and as often as possible, as best I understand it, through all sorts of inconveniences.
So with Do Not Spare Yourself..., I start with my literal work, and procrastination. Really it has to do with mastery, but then everything in my life has to do with mastery these days. In the effort to Not Spare Myself, I employ all sorts of tricks: the 15-minute timer; the bribe; the verbal or written stated goal; the awful self-condemnation. But at the end of the day, it still boils down to a mysterious factor that I call the Fog. Some days the fog is upon me, and I might get an exhausting hour or two in, but my rhythm never catches on and I still feel lousy, and I never seem to catch up. Then, like yesterday, I felt the fog lift a little and so I did all those Sunday afternoon things like grocery shopping and cleaning and cooking, and voila - today I put in my first full productive day in weeks.
This fog is my main opponent of the moment. I despise the fog. But the fog seems to have no concern for my self-imposed rules and regulations, and it doesn't care about my deep desire for right living. What is it, and what causes it? Why does it clear one day and descend the next? I don't know, but so far I haven't discovered any helpful answers. All I can do is just wait it out, and hope for it to lift.