am sitting in my best friend's living room right now, in a near-perfect quiet. It looks out over a big field that's green from the recent rain. It's been stormy all week. It's overcast right now and there's a cold wind blowing. An ill wind, I feel, though I felt that more yesterday. Yesterday I had an intuition or premonition or something. It was pretty strong and left residual feelings of unease. I don't know what to do with that - probably nothing. These things happen after ten days of meditation here together, introducing all kinds of new practices. Last year I was so ready for the session to be over and to go back home, just kind of worn out and not ready to feel anything else, yet I ended up having a total breakdown over loving God juxtaposed with loving a person, right there in front of everybody at the very end of the session. You don't know me yet but I'm pretty rational, so that kind of thing isn't a normal occurrence. But the practices we do and the intensity of the sessions stir the pot, so to speak.

We're flying back to California this afternoon and it's always strange transitioning from here to there. Suluk is held four times a year at a community in the Berkshire mountains, near the New York/Massachusetts border. It's in a small town and can feel very isolated, which is good for meditation because it fosters an atmosphere of retreat away from the world - there isn't even any cell phone reception and only two public phones. But it can also drive me crazy when I'm tired of all the healthy food and need a hamburger and some normal social interaction. So it's weird to come from this crazy place and suddenly be in an airport with tons of strangers and on a plane with cranky travellers. I wonder about who they are and what their lives are like.

And then I'm home with my boyfriend and my dog and my cozy bed, and gradually my busy life takes over and whatever worlds were open close back up. That can be a good thing sometimes. I think with meditation that eventually there is less distinction between inner states and the outer world, but I'm only ready for so much at a time.